What I Used to Be
by obi's girl
Summary: Pre-Moulin Rouge. My first Moulin Rouge fic. Well, I've written other things but they were always involved with other stuff. MR/SW; MR/Buffy. Tells how Santine became the Sparkling Diamond, and came to the Moulin Rouge.


What I Used to Be aka One Day I'll Fly Away (Satine's Theme)  
  
By obi's girl  
  
Summary: Pre-Moulin Rouge. My first Moulin Rouge fic. Well, I've written other things but they were always involved with other stuff. MR/SW; MR/Buffy. Tells how Satine became the Sparkling Diamond, and came to the Moulin Rouge.  
  
Disclaimer: I made up Satine's real name - Sarah.  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Genre: General/Drama  
  
I remember when I was little girl, I had dreams. My family, my mother, she was poor - barely living on a minimum wage, working at the laundry mat. My father, he was drunk all the time and even though he loved my mother, he beat her and sometimes, my sisters and I. It wasn't until I was old enough, 18, did I leave. My mother pleaded with me to stay. But I told her I had to leave, because I knew I could have a better life than the Hell I was living in.  
  
I was so hopeful I could become an actress in Paris. I wanted to be the world's famous actress, sought after by men all over the globe, the star of universe. I wanted everything. Because I wanted everything, I had to start somewhere and Paris was better than any old dump. At first, I worked at a cafe with minimum wage but after awhile, I figured I needed a new way of living. I needed money. My apartment, the place I was living, the tips I received from the restaurant, it wasn't enough to pay the landlady, Madam Anne. She was a sweet lady, but when it came to money - she was as cruel as a witch.  
  
One day, walking to work, I bumped into a burly, red headed man. He didn't have a mustache back then. I picked up my purse, glancing once at his face. "I'm terribly sorry, Monsieur." I cried.  
  
He only smiled at me. "Don't worry about it, madam. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Harry Zidler."  
  
I smiled faintly, shaking his extending my hand. "Sarah."  
  
Harry nodded to the cafe. "You work there?"  
  
"Yes." I mumbled, staring at the street.  
  
"You could do better... much better." He mused, removing a card from his pocket. "I have an establishment in the Bohemian neighborhood. It just opened and I'm looking for dancers. Perhaps you could audition..."  
  
I smiled thanks but nodded no. "Thank you, Monsieur Zidler but I don't think dancing is the answer to my problems."  
  
Zidler shrugged, "Take the card anyway. If you change your mind, you know where to find me, my dear." He smiled before vanishing down the street.  
  
I bit my lip, glancing at the card. It read: Moulin Rouge! - The place to make all your fantasies and dreams come true! Auditions start tomorrow for dancers. Pay - as high as it can get. Talk to Harry Zidler for more information.  
  
**  
  
I must have been crazy because I did go to the audition. The whole night after work, I debated whether to go or not. I mean, I knew I needed the cash. The rent on my apartment was going up every month I wasn't able to pay. It was a nightclub anyway so I could at least pay my way during the day, working at the Cafe.  
  
Moulin Rouge. The minute I walked through the doors, I knew this wasn't an ordinary place. Of course, part of it was still under construction. The main stage was grand, red curtains, banners, booths for men and their guests to sit and watch the performances. Some workers were on ladders, on either side of the stage. I was sp wrapped up in staring, I didn't even notice a man fall over me. He was short, black hair, glasses and buckteeth. He fumbled around before standing up, brushing off his trousers. "I'm twurribly sorry."  
  
I looked down, confused. "What?"  
  
He shook his head, crying, "Twurribly sorry, madam. Twurribly sorry."  
  
After hearing him the third time, I laughed, "Don't worry about it little man. It was my fault. I'm new here."  
  
A smile spread across his lips, pointing to his small chest. "So am I. My name is Toulouse."  
  
"Um, Toulouse, do you know where Harry Zidler is?"  
  
"Sarah!" a burly man cried, extending his arms into a hug.  
  
I looked down at Toulouse, only he was gone. I frowned slightly but smiled again once Harry met me. "I am so glad you could come to the audition. I just knew you would come. I knew you would. Come, the auditions are about to start." He said, rushing me towards the stage along with some other girls.  
  
They were dressed in netted hosiery and outstanding dresses. Their cleavage was almost showing. I gaped in astonishment. Harry sat on a chair, accompanied by Toulouse. "Now gurls, remember, smile and act pretty. This is just an audition." He leaned over to Toulouse and whispered something in his ear. Toulouse understood and nodded, staring at me.  
  
I glanced worriedly at the other girls. I was the only one dressed decently. I must have looked like an idiot. These other girls, they looked and acted...well, like hoars. I hope Zidler didn't expect me to be like them. Finally, it was my turn. I stepped up to the center, cleared my voice. "Um, I chose a song. It's titled One Day I'll Fly Away."  
  
Zidler smiled wide-eyed, nodding all right. I cleared my throat again before starting.  
  
I follow the night  
  
Can't stand the light  
  
When will I begin to live again  
  
One day I'll fly away  
  
Leave all this to yesterday  
  
What more could your love do for me  
  
When will love be through with me  
  
Why live life from dream to dream  
  
And dread the day when dreaming ends  
  
One day I'll fly away  
  
Leave all this to yesterday  
  
Why live life from dream to dream  
  
And dread the day when dreaming ends  
  
One day I'll fly away  
  
Fly, fly away...  
  
Zidler was astounded. He stared at me with disbelief. "Brilliant. Beautiful. Sarah, that was wonderful!"  
  
I smiled thanks, glancing at the other girls. They looked at me with such disgust. Me and my pretty clothing and beautiful voice. They knew Zidler was going to make me his prized star, his Sparkling Diamond. I did. I became that girl - that voice and style. The girls always resented me for it. I couldn't blame them but after a time, I started to gain some of their respect.  
  
  
  
**  
  
One day after rehearsal, Zidler took me aside, told me how wonderful I was but told me something that totally shocked me. "We have to give you another name."  
  
I looked with disbelief. "Another name? Sarah is my name, my natural name. My mother's name."  
  
He smiled again, "And you will always be Sarah in your heart, but if you're going to be star, we have to give you a new name. Men are going to love you because you're going to be exotic, eccentric, not unlike anyone they've ever known. They're going to dream about you every night, my dear."  
  
"A new name? Like what, Satine?" I questioned.  
  
He looked at me with awe again and smiled. "Perfect. Satine, that's perfect, my dear. Brilliant!"  
  
"Satine." I echoed, trying out the name on my lips.  
  
Harry walked away with a huge smile on his face, disappearing behind the curtains. I grabbed my things as a couple of the girls laughed, staring at me. I was unlike them. I knew that. They were strippers, hoars, and prostitutes. Was this what I was about? I knew it was just to make a couple more bucks but something about it, something dark, didn't seem right. I had gone astray from my path and there was no turning back.  
  
**  
  
Opening night in July. Rumors had all ready spread through the streets, reaching the city of a nightclub called Moulin Rouge and its dazzling Sparkling Diamond, Satine. The Diamond Dogs were my back up singers. For this, I knew they hated me.  
  
Men crowded into the stage area, men in the booths - All Men. From one corner to the other, all there were young men and old men. I didn't see one girl or woman, except the Dogs. I nodded no, staring from the side as Harry came up with a grand smile on his face. He was always so exuberant. "Oh my dear, I cannot believe how many people are here - all to see you."  
  
I smiled half-heartedly. "I can't believe it either."  
  
"Now, remember Satine, be as provocative as possible. But above all, be beautiful."  
  
"Harry, I quit the Cafe today." I whispered silently as he began to turn. "I couldn't keep the job. The rehearsal and working late here, I was beginning to sleep on the job."  
  
"Don't worry about it, Sarah. After tonight's performance, I have a surprise for you."  
  
I smiled all right as he walked away.  
  
**  
  
I gasped as the curtain rose. I smiled at all the faces staring back at me. I took one last breath before glancing once at Zidler. He nodded "Good luck."  
  
I swung my leg over the chair, tipping my top hat a bit and smiled, snapping my fingers. "Hey sister, go sister; Soul sister, go sister. Hey sister, go sister; Soul sister, go sister; Hey sister, go sister; Soul sister, go sister; Hey sister, go sister; Soul sister, go sister."  
  
I stood up abruptly, pushing the chair away. As I continued the rest of the song, many of the young men in the crowd were in awe. I glanced at Herald. He smiled. I was still hesitant. If I wasn't used to performing on stage, how was I going to do as an actress? No, I had to get over this stage fright. Thankfully, the crowd didn't see that. They only saw a beautiful 18- year-old girl (of course Herald probably said I was older than 18, to catch their attention or not). I bowed, exiting stage. Herald rushed on, pulling me back onto the stage.  
  
"Wasn't she wonderful, gentlemen?" he exclaimed roared.  
  
They roared back in applause, whistling and yelling. I couldn't believe it. Most of these men hardly knew me but here they were, applauding me for my performance...but still. I had to get rid of my stage fright. It was the only way I could survive down here.  
  
**  
  
That night after the performance, Zidler rushed me off, to a place outside of the club. He made me close my eyes, as he guided me to the place. I knew it wasn't too far from the Rouge because I still heard the shouts from the men inside the crowd and I felt a strong wind chill. Not a wind chill, a blow, a strong blow. The windmill.  
  
We stopped abruptly, ran off somewhere then came back. "All right, Sarah. You can look now."  
  
I opened my eyes, staring at the magnificent large elephant. Decorated in jewels, lavish color - red, braided in fancy - it was so beautiful. I turned to Zidler and Toulouse. I knew I heard snickering from someone. My eyes were in tears as I hugged them both. "It's beautiful. Thank you." I stood back, staring at the place before grabbing my dress, starting off.  
  
Zidler frowned, looking at Toulouse. "Satine? Don't you like it? This is yours, my dear. A gift from me to you."  
  
"I love it but there's something I need to work on."  
  
Toulouse inched towards me, "Like what, Satine?"  
  
"Well, I think I have stage fright."  
  
"Stage fwight? Don't worry. Toulouse will hwelp you; Toulouse will hwelp you!" he chanted, taking my hand, guiding me back to the Rouge.  
  
**  
  
I stood on the stage, working day after day to conquer my stage fright. Toulouse helped me, as well as a couple of the girls and stage men. Before, when I told one of the girls about my problem, she walked away without saying a word. I thought she was going to tell Zidler but she returned with some girls and two back stage men. It took me some time, but eventually, after some work, I got over it.  
  
The key, that wonderful little man, Toulouse. He was so silly, wobbling around on the stage, acting as my opposite in a Shakespearean play, Romeo and Juliet. It was hilarious, but it worked. Even if he tried to be serious, I couldn't. Sometimes I would just burst out laughing, but at times I maintained my sanity.  
  
Before my performance, I talked to Toulouse, thanked him and kissed him on the cheek for good luck. The little man smiled at up at me, telling me I was wonderful before going on.  
  
**  
  
When the Acting Company came into town, a couple months later, I worked out some parts to perform. Everybody in the Rouge knew I wanted to be an actress, and though I was the best they had, they knew acting was my dream and my first love. I auditioned, waited and waited. I must have waited forever for a reply. It never came. After some weeks of waiting, I went back to see what had happened. The producer told me that even though I had style and was very promising, but...my etiquette needed some working on. I knew what he was saying. I kindly thanked for the audition and left, returning to the Rouge.  
  
**  
  
My second year at the Rouge, Zidler took me aside into his office told me how wonderful I was, and how remarkable my voice was but --- This was the part I hated, in order to remain in the act I had to sleep with men, specifically, special customers as he called them. He would point them out to me and I would take them up the Elephant and show them a good time. I protested at first, saying I was brought up better than to sleep with any man at random. I started to cry and pout. He stood up from his desk, put his arms around me and continued.  
  
"Sarah, I realize you are only 19 now and still young, but think of the Club. In all honesty, you keep this place from closing down. Men love you and would pay any amount to be with you."  
  
I turned away, frustrated, "What about true love? Doesn't that count? Isn't that free?"  
  
Zidler shook his head, "No, not even true love, Satine. Sarah, I'm sorry I am but this is the way it has to be."  
  
I turned back at him and huffed, crossing my arms. "It won't be every night, right? I'll have time to myself - you won't push this on me, force me into it?"  
  
"Never Sarah."  
  
"All right. I'll do it." I whispered, slowly feeling myself drift further and further from what I used to be. "But remember, once I have enough money I'm leaving to become an actress."  
  
He nodded, "Of course."  
  
**  
  
The following night, before my performance, Zidler pointed out a young man in the crowd, who happened to be the son of a wealthy Countess. According to the Dogs, his friends brought him there to lighten him and give him a good time. Zidler told me to do just that - show him a good time. I nodded all right before getting ready for the performance. I went backstage, fidgeting. This was it. My last night a virgin, my last night as an innocent girl - scratch that last part. Since I've been working at the Rouge, I've lost my innocence. It scared me. What if I wasn't good? What if...Stop, worrying yourself Sarah. Chances are it would be his first time as well...or not and he'd be expecting me to know exactly what to do. Except I didn't. I didn't know anything. I was so wrapped up in worrying about later that night, I nearly fell over Toulouse again.  
  
"Oh Toulouse, I'm sorry." I cried.  
  
He smiled up at me with his buckteeth. "Don't wuerry about it, Satine. You weady for the performance?"  
  
I shrugged, "I hope so." Before looking for Nini. She helped me up to the swing that would be hoisted from the catwalk down to the stage. "I hope so." I mused as Madame patted my cheeks with some make-up.  
  
**  
  
After the performance and before I was to meet the Countess's son, I escaped back to the Elephant to relax and get ready. I sat staring at myself in the mirror for the longest time until Zidler knocked. "Satine, are you getting ready in there, my dear?"  
  
I cleared my throat, grabbing some lipstick and hosiery. "Of course." I hollered back  
  
"All right, dear." He replied, disappearing down the hall.  
  
I looked back at the mirror, adjusting my corset. "Be calm, Sarah. Be calm. This is a big night for you, 'cause after tonight, you won't be a virgin anymore."  
  
**  
  
Even though I was supposed to be ready by a certain time, I still needed some time so I called Zidler and told him I wasn't ready. He wasn't pleased but I persuaded him, if I wasn't ready the Countess's son won't be pleased with him. He smiled all right and I returned to the Elephant. Though I wasn't ready, it didn't stop the boy from coming up early. He knocked on my door, fidgeting with his hat. I glanced out the peephole, huffing. I scrambled to my feet, racing for the bed. I fixed my robe and hair, settling on the bed. "Come in." I weakly mused.  
  
He entered, staring at the vast room and its various decorations before resting his black eyes on me. He frowned, causing me to frown.  
  
"What is it?" I cried.  
  
"You're...you're a teenager."  
  
I laughed, sitting up from the bed. I patted the space next to me, gesturing he sit down. "Me, a teenager, how absurd. Do I look like a petite young girl to you?" He nodded yes, sitting down. "Oh." I mused. "Well, how old are you?"  
  
He shrugged, "23."  
  
"19." I replied. I glanced at the Windmill, huffing. I was in a room with the Countess's son, who wasn't too older than I was and we were both nervous. Except now I knew he wasn't too much older than I was, I felt relaxed. "What's your name, Countess's son?" I joked.  
  
"Miguel de Avenue." He paused briefly, extending his hand to me, smiling a bit. "But you can call me Michael."  
  
I smiled, taking his hand in mine. "Satine, actually that's my stage name. My real name is Sarah."  
  
Michael shrugged, removing his top hat, fidgeting. I leaned over, lightly pushing him back on the bed. I straddled his waist and began removing his shirt. He only stared back at me, causing me to feel nervous again. I hesitated down on the third button, biting my lip. I shook my head, brushing aside my red hair and began to unbutton his shirt faster. He sat up as I removed his shirt from his masculine, boyish body. Michael smiled, taking my hands into his and kissed my fingertips. Either he had done this before or he was trying not to make me feel nervous...or both. He looked up at me with his childish eyes and him, I saw innocence, a young boy still growing up and I was about to corrupt him. No, I couldn't do that...not to him. I pulled away from his touch, silently sobbing.  
  
"Satine, what is it?"  
  
I shook my head violently, tears streaking mixing with my make-up. "I can't do this to you, Michael. You're still young, we both are. You're so young, so innocent - I can't corrupt you like this."  
  
He held me close, wrapping his arms around me as if to protect me from this horrible world. He kissed my forehead, understand my fear for him...and myself. I was young once, beautiful and innocent. Now, I'm a whore --- it brings me to my knees, how corrupt I had become.  
  
"Ssssh. Hush." He whispered, brushing my red hair. "We don't have to do this, if you don't want to."  
  
I nodded no, removing my head from his chest. "Zidler told me to show you a good time and if I don't, I'm going to be in a lot of trouble."  
  
Michael shrugged, removing my dress slowly from my shoulders. He scratched his chin a bit, as if scrutinizing my body. Now, it was my turn to stare at him as he kissed my neck and shoulders. I let out a small breath as he let go. It was my turn. I ran my hand down his chest, kissing the streak it made. He smiled, taking note I was still timid - he was also even if he didn't admit it. I felt he was timid. I laughed, looking up at him. I held his gaze as I pushed into him slowly. I could tell he felt something because he winced a bit.  
  
This was it, no turning back. I leaned up and kissed him. It was sweet; he was sweet. Before I knew it, I felt his tongue thrust into mine and he kissed my deeply. I had been kissed before but never like this. It was either a peck on the cheek, some boy who chased after, or a stranger meeting me for the first time, kissing my hand. He could tell it surprised me because he pulled away slightly, staring at my face.  
  
There was a silence between us; both of lost in thought. Suddenly, he stroked my hand for comfort, as if reading my mind. All of the sudden, I had gotten the feeling he had done this before. Instinct, intuition, call it what you want but I knew this wasn't his first time. I smiled.  
  
"What?"  
  
I kissed his shoulder before answering, "You've done this before, haven't you?"  
  
He shrugged, "Will you be mad if I say yes?"  
  
I nodded no, "No. Who are you really? I mean, you can't be the son of a Countess. Who are you really?"  
  
"You're right - I'm not the son of a Countess but my name is Michael. Sarah, I'm a Bitch. I know that sounds weird coming from a guy, but it's true. I only told Zidler I was the son of a Countess because I wanted to meet you in private and maybe talk to you, about your experiences here."  
  
"And maybe take notes about how things are done?" I huffed, shying away a bit. "I came here a year ago. I used to work at a Cafe but then I met Zidler and he proposed I audition as a dancer, here at the Moulin Rouge. When I came, I was the only girl dressed decently, compared to what the other girls were wearing. They were hoars, prostitutes --- and now, so am I."  
  
He reached up his hand and caressed my cheek, smiling. "You're not a hoar, Satine. And don't let anybody else tell you different."  
  
I shrugged, frowning slightly. "It's still early - maybe you should stay here the night. Zidler, he expects I'll keep you up awhile and if you show up early at the club, he'll think we were only playing up here - nothing serious."  
  
Michael nodded, agreeing with me. "All right. I'll stay - but I'll sleep on the couch. You can have the bed." He grabbed a pillow from the bed, walked over and lied down on the couch. I bit my lips, grabbing the blankets, letting sleep overtake me.  
  
**  
  
The following morning when I woke, I was surprised to see Michael hadn't left. In fact, he was still sleeping on the couch. I laughed, stood up from the bed, pulling up his covers that had fallen off during the night. He stirred, smiling up at me. "Sorry, I woke you." I whispered, tucking the covers around him.  
  
He only smiled back. I kissed his forehead - both of us staring at each other. How I wished I could stay and not have to return to the Rouge, but Zidler liked to do early rehearsal before the night shows.  
  
"Satine, my love, are your ready for rehearsal?" Zidler called.  
  
I laughed, getting up, "Speak of the Devil." I grabbed a robe, brushed my hair, walking to the door. Michael shied away, dropping into the bed (or under the covers at least). "Herald, I was just getting ready. Could you give me a few minutes?"  
  
"Of course, Satine, but the boy, I have to talk to you about the boy. He isn't the son of a Countess. Satine, he's a Bitch."  
  
"I know. He told me." I murmured, laughing slightly, "Don't worry, Herald. He's just a boy, of course now, he's probably a man."  
  
Zidler grunted, stalking back down the hallway. I rolled my eyes, shutting the door behind him. Michael's head rose from the covers, smiling. I walked over, sitting on the bed. "I think maybe you should go now before Zidler comes back."  
  
"All right, but before I go, can I have one last kiss?"  
  
I smiled, kissing him on the cheek but he just frowned. "Um, I meant on the lips." I hesitated, pulling back. I knew I was going to regret this - I slid my face over and kissed him. I sat back, smiling half-heartedly. He nodded, "You can be so much more, Satine. You can, never forget that."  
  
"I won't." I whispered as he crawled out of the bed, disappearing from the balcony.  
  
**  
  
The old woman rushed through the hall, slamming the theatre doors open, shocking everyone. She scanned the area before resting eyes on me. I was studying a song, one of the producers had submitted for tonight performance when the woman walked up to me and handed me a letter. I read over the letter without question, suddenly feeling my breath catch, dropping it to the floor. Everybody froze, staring back at me as tears streamed down my face. My mother, my sweet mother was...dead.  
  
I looked back at the old woman. I remembered her. She was a nurse to my sisters and I when we were younger. The only nurse we had. Toulouse walked up to me, smiling, "Satine, what is it?"  
  
"My mother - she's dead. She died, three days ago." I choked, running from the stage. Now, I knew I was truly lost and there was nothing I could to remove myself from what I had become.  
  
**  
  
Now, here I am - still here, still lost forever. I used to love doing this work so much, entertaining people, seeing those men stare at me... Now, all I feel is emptiness. Did you know I would feel like this, Christian? Did you know you I would come to regret all this? I don't even know who I am anymore. I think I died that day. My spirit died - because to the rest of the world, I was a whore. That's what I had become. It's my label.  
  
The lights are dark now. I can barely see you. To be honest, you kept me from falling. If I hadn't met you, I would have fallen even deeper and would have never known it. Herald called me his Sparkling Diamond. Was I? I think at one point I did sparkle but as time passed, the sparkle became nothing but a shine, a rusted shine...and all I ever had was your love to keep me going.  
  
Thank you Christian,  
  
& I love you ~~~ Satine  
  
One day I'll fly away  
  
Leave all this to yesterday  
  
Why live life from dream to dream  
  
And dread the day when dreaming ends  
  
~~ Come What May,  
  
Satine's Theme Song ~~ 


End file.
